After realizing what I had done, I heard myself start to cry.  Not a silent shedding of tears, not a quiet whimper or a middle of the road snivel, but a full on sob.  I had inadvertantly deleted images from my computer documenting special moments with my children and family.

Now, did I lose my home to tropical storm Irene- NO; did I have to decide which of my children to attempt to save as I struggle to survive in famine riddled Somalia- Not even close.  I have this in perspective now, but yesterday morning I couldn't see straight!

My boys are only getting older and bigger and I feel time slipping through my fingers- losing those images of them at the zoo and the civil war encampment and with my parents on the 4th of July felt like I was losing bits of our family.

But what I actually lost sight of was the fact that erasing the documentation did not negate the existence of these moments.  Life doesn't fly past us, it flows through us.  These special memories, experiences leave a trace in our soul.  Losing the images means we can't SEE the event anymore- but it does not negate the fun  and excitement and love that was felt and made. 

This made me think of some of my patients that I work with and their families.  Often, I work with individuals who have lost memories due to head injury or dementia.  This is devestating for the person and usually more so for their loved ones.  Maybe that's why I got so upset yesterday when I realized my mistake.  Maybe I felt like without the proof of these events, we would eventually lose track of how those events made us feel.

But playing with my children today I realized that whether my boys remember signing the giant baseball at Brookfield zoo or not is not going to make or break their childhood.  What will make or break their young lives is the quality of the traces that I have helped to leave in their little hearts and souls.  These go on.  These will flow through them into adulthood and right on into their own families. 

And, don't worry- I now am the proud owner of an external back-up hard drive : )