set backs

I feel like the root of most of my issues is the constant pressure I feel to push forward, to always look ahead, to plan for the future.  I have a strong tendency to zero on what I feel should be my "final destination" and blindly ignore the present and lament over any "set backs" along my path.  Of course, in my heart I know this is completely backwards and I realize the pain and frustration that it causes me and the awesome moments that I am potentially missing out on- but the pull is so strong!

I wish to be able to truly live my life, on my own terms.  Live the life that's best for my family and enjoy where I am every step of the way.
                                                                                                                                                                                         image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012

Yesterday something important to me, but minor in the big scheme of things, went awry.  I had been planning and waiting and anticipating yesterday with great eagerness!  Unfortunately, I was let down with the outcome and explained this to my husband as a "set back."  As I heard myself say this and after I thought about it a little bit, I realized I needed to make a conscious effort to perceive this situation just a little differently.

Focusing on this as a negative event made me feel, well, negative.  And,  to make matters worse, all this negativity couldn't change the outcome anyway (unless I was Superman and could turn back time- wicked cool!).  So, I decided to see this moment not as a problem that needed to be solved, not as a let down or disappointing set back- rather I thought of it as another step along my way.  Change is good, taking a risk is good, trying something and failing is better than settling for mediocrity- at least in my book anyway.  "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds" (Ralph Waldo Emerson) one of my mantras- and I'm sure I've quoted this text before in my blog- but it bares repeating!

So, here I am focusing on my journey, enjoying the good times and learning from the less than good times.  It's not like this is second nature for me yet, which is why I am throwing it out to the universe.  Now, the scary part about being journey-driven instead of prize-driven is that realistically, the quest never ends.  For a type A, perfectionist like myself, the idea of never completing the task makes me feel a little nauseous.  However, that's really the best part (the infinite-ness, not the nausea).  If there is no exact end point, than I get to keep on experiencing and growing and learning every single day.  My Mom just said to me "you always need a project,"  I do!  She's right, I'm happiest when I'm working on something and a little depressed when it's over.  I guess I'm starting to learn  that I'd rather feel a little queasy than be stuck in anger and disappointment, I think anyway,- we'll see.