i want it all..

 “Everyone must leave something behind when he dies, my grandfather said. A child or a book or a painting or a house or a wall built or a pair of shoes made. Or a garden planted. Something your hand touched some way so your soul has somewhere to go when you die, and when people look at that tree or that flower you planted, you're there."                                                           - Ray Bradbury

   image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2013

It's funny that I happened to stumble onto this quote today, because just last night when asked what was on my "bucket list," I heard my self answer- "leave a mark."

I pray every day for the safety, health and happiness of my children.  I also pray for the guidance to help shape them into amazing men.  The kind of men that will be thoughtful husbands and adoring fathers.  Men that will be strong enough to protect and provide for their families at all cost, yet vulnerable enough to allow as much love into their lives as possible.  If I am successful at this, I know I will be leaving a legacy.  A legacy that will impact my children, my grand children and beyond.

I do not belittle this endeavor.  I do not take it lightly and it shapes my behavior daily.  However, I have found in my cliche "mid life crisis," that it's not enough.  If you could hear my thoughts right now, you would know that I just whispered the end of that last sentence.  I can't help but feel like a heretic.  Like the Spanish Inquisition is going to swoop in and start investigating me, "What?  You don't think raising God-loving men from boys is enough?  Impossible!  Hide her in the dungeon and torture her until she recants!!"

Ok, maybe that's a little extreme, but I can't help but feel like a terrible mother for feeling that way.  I take my role in our family very seriously and without hesitation.  Putting our children first, is not something we ever have to think about as mothers- it lies within every cell of our bodies, it is the force that keeps us breathing and stops only when our heart ceases to beat (although, I am certain that I will watch over them after I am long for this life- and will hopefully have an even greater vantage point!)

But, I can not help but feel this overwhelming urge to leave another legacy too, a personal legacy, something that I did as an individual, something that will complete my soul.

Tangent alert- when I was a young girl going to all Catholic schools, we used to talk about souls a lot, a lot!  This was bad for your soul, this was good for your soul, you get the idea.  Anyway, I used to picture that my soul was perfect and whole and sparkling white when I was born and that as I aged and did naughty things or when tragic things happened- little bits of my soul would fall off and leave holes.  Now, as an adult (totally don't know when or how that occurred?!)  I have changed how I think about this; I think when we're born we start out pure and sparkling, but I think our soul is tiny and incomplete.  I think instead of difficult times eating away at our souls, I envision that part of our journey here on earth is to complete our souls- find all the pieces.

   image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012

(All of sudden I feel a little like Voldemort- ugh!!!  Well, maybe J.K. feels the same way as I do!)

I think we can locate these pieces in tons of different ways and I think everybody is looking for and needing different fragments.  Truth of the matter is, I don't ever know what little soul scrap I am searching for until I have already found it- I guess that's what epiphanies are? 

Right now I have an overwhelming cupidity (new word for me- had to use it!) to create something, do something, inspire something that will leave a mark.  Something that will help an individual, the community, whatever- in some way that is meaningful, that is of specific value and will help me to be remembered in some way, somewhere.  In return, of course, I will have the extra bonus of finding another tiny and crazy important "bit" to add to my soul. 

Does this make me sound greedy? Maybe.  Does this make seem a little crazy or sad?  Perhaps.  Sometimes I think to myself, "Just enjoy life, be happy with what you are, why look for more?"  But then another voice deep within me shouts "Hell no!  Go for it, be the best you can possibly be, never give up/in.  Being happy is awesome enjoy every nanosecond of it, but never be fully content because that is what keeps us in motion!"

I want it all.