joule or jewel?

Okay, so yesterday I had a moment.  I did not choose to chase the light, as I posted the other day.  I did not try to see all things strewn about my path as meaningful or educational.  I did not try to release the past and keep looking forward.  Instead, I gave name to a few of the things that I feel are holding me back.  I articulated the thoughts in my head and released or, more to the point, unleashed them at my unsuspecting husband (for better or for worse, he knew what he was getting into).  To be fair, he really has very little to do with my obstacles, my side steps and now that I have said these things out loud- I realize that he can really have very little to do with me adjusting my focus either (total bummer, because it's nice to have someone else to blame!).

I started to think about the word "potential." I used it recently to describe my friend's daughter and the fact that she is starting the process of selecting a college to attend.  We talked about how we wouldn't necessarily want to re-do that time in our lives, but that it would be awesome to be in that magical state of potential- when anything is possible.

So, this got me thinking about physics of course (I am a total science geek, can't help it), specifically, "potential energy."  There are different types of potential energy and a few different ways to define it, but basically..

Potential Energy is stored energy that a body possesses based on it's position to others, stresses acting within it, electric charges and so on.  This stored energy is "hidden" and is ready to be utilized in the future to do something "useful."  An object usually has potential energy because a force has moved it to a different position or changed it in some way.  And, ironically, potential energy is measured in joules.

Funny, that it's physics once again that gives me some inspiration and peace.  I guess the study of the universe should give us just that, so maybe it's not so funny after all. I mean the word physics does comes from Greek and Latin roots meaning "of nature," "growth," and "to bring forth," so big cosmic DUH to me! 

Anyway, I took a few things away from my research: 1. There is nothing in the definition of potential energy that says anything about age or dissipating over time.  Basically, an object has varying degrees of potential energy, until it is released to do something "useful."  This is what I am searching for- to do something useful.  So, I must still be filled with potential!!  2. The stresses in our lives, the people closest to us and our surroundings- all impact our potential.  And, lastly- the fact that potential energy is measured in joules- just makes my soul smile.  Of course it would be joules- because our potential energy/potential as human beings is shiny and sparkly and hidden in the depths of our being- just waiting to be mined, released into the burst of kinetic energy that will allow us to do something "useful."

Is this not the battle cry of the middle aged house wife?  We all have so much potential, so much shiny, sparkliness within us.  For sure- raising a healthy and happy family and creating decent, responsible, loving men out of my sweet boys- IS doing something useful!!  I do not doubt this for a moment.  My work as a speech therapist IS useful and helpful to many.  But, I am referring to doing something useful for me (of course, if it happens to benefit the universe in some way I am totally cool with that too).

This is my new wish- to be able to adjust my focus, realign the forces that impact my potential (increase my joules!) and do something useful!!!!  Who's with me?????

today I choose...

                                                                                                                                                                              image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012

my new word...

Portitions:  (noun)  The invisible, yet much perceived portal-like spaces in between activities, experiences and life altering events.

Are you afraid of the portition?  

He jumped into the portition as if diving into a frigid pool, with equal amounts of excitement and trepidation.

The moment right before becoming a parent for the first time, is a major portition. 

Newtown..

image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012

No more guns, no more innocents lost.  

We belong to each other- across the world, across our country and throughout our communities. 

 Our love, our sorrow and our prayers are with you Connecticut.

it's coming!

                                                                                               image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012

empty spaces?

Transition:

a : passage from one state, stage, subject, or place to another : change

b : a movement, development, or evolution from one form, stage, or style to another

Recently my husband and I were talking about our boys and how even though they're bigger now, they still occasionally have difficulty with transitions.  As adults, we know that kids may have trouble with this and we give them lots of lead time.  We tell them what's going to happen first, then we give them gentle reminders and updates, eventually we give them "less than gentle" reminders and then the consequences start.

Do we give ourselves the same benefit?                                image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012
Are these imaginary, portal-like "spaces" between activities really the problem or is it how we perceive them?  Is it because something has to end in order for the next to begin?  Or is it fear that creates anxiety in these moments?

So, after mulling this around in my head for a few minutes I started to think about times in my life that were the most stressful and yes they all had to do with transitions.  High school to college, college to real job, real job to graduate school, changing jobs, getting married, moving to a new home, becoming a parent, changing family roles, dealing with pre-teens instead of little kids and probably my toughest- realizing that I would not have any more children (part and parcel of- "oh crap when did I turn 40?).
 
Some people handle  these transitions with dignity and grace and ease.  I tend to go kicking and screaming into those theoretical "spaces."  To quote Dylan Thomas:

"Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light."

Yeah, that's me. I tend to rage against the dying of the light.  Luckily, and annoyingly,  my husband tends to gracefully slide right through (so I got that going for me).  The funny thing is that once I am "on the other side," so to speak, I'm fine.  It's fear of leaving who I am in one dimension and fear of who I may or may not be in the next.  It's fear of leaving some incredibly important part of me behind, fear that moving on means a negation of what was before.   It's fear that keeps me kicking and screaming through each transition. 

But I have to keep in mind that the word also means "evolution."  I'm not losing who I was or what has already happened in my life- I'm just modifying.  Those things that are vital to defining and shading in my soul will never leave me.  So, I'm finally starting to realize what I need to do get over this fear.  It's not be kinder to myself, it's not take a new age self-actualize class (not that there's anything wrong with it), It's not to drink more wine (although that's fun), it's not to create more boards on pinterest- it's to say "so what."

I'm sure Pink wasn't thrilled with her transition from wife to ex-wife (now wife again- keep up!  And yes, I am referencing Pink) but she made a damn good song about it.  And, she's totally right- so what!  So what my kids are big now!  So what I'm not further along in my career because I stayed home to take care of my little cuties!  So what I'm getting older!  So what!!!

True, I can't follow that up with "I'm a still a rock star," but I can follow that up with a lot of other good things about myself that I am proud to have experienced.

lighting the way

There's no better light than that of a Fall afternoon gently peeking through the window.  

As another season quickly fades, here's one last autumnal bloom and 

a favorite quote to help illuminate our way into the next..

     image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012

backwards

                                                                                         image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012

So, it wasn't until I was laying on the floor playing with my son that I even realized what I had said.  Someone earlier had asked me about a new venture I was starting and I ended the conversation by saying, "it just kinda feels like I'm going backwards."

Now, back with my 9 year old, I found myself getting literally sent backwards on the board game we were engrossed in.  Being slightly competitive by nature (insert giant sarcastic laugh here for use of the word "little")  I let out a slightly deflated sound at the recent turn of events.  Innocently, my son asked "what's wrong?" to which I replied, "now I'm going the wrong way!"

Honestly, I still had not become aware of my new defeatist mantra until my little guy replied with "You're not going the wrong way, you're just going a different way."

BINGO!  Nothing like getting a big ol' zen smack in the face- from your youngest child.  Sure, I might feel like I'm going backwards a little, I might feel like I'm off my chosen path (the concept of  whether we choose our path or not, requires a conversation for another day for sure!)- but thankfully my son had inadvertently reminded me that I am not going the wrong way, just a different way.

So then I began to envision myself strolling along (again, insert a big "hah" as I never stroll anywhere) the path I am blazing for myself, and try to see the happenings that I currently tend to perceive as unwanted obstacles or "backward steps" as simply side paths.  Like when a big rock or fallen tree cuts off the path of a rushing stream.  The water doesn't stop.  It may slow down a little as it builds up, but gradually it forges another route around the impetus.  Truth is, the water doesn't worry about getting "back" to the stream, it is the stream it is where it is supposed to be.

 Eventually, I will get this.

I talk to my patients about this very concept all the time!  Often, we will share a vulnerable moment that begins with my patient stating that he or she is not where they are "supposed" to be or that they can't wait to "get back" to their life.  The truth that I pass on to each of them is that healing cannot occur until they accept that this IS their life and they are exactly where they are supposed to be.

Boy, do I feel like a hypocrite at this moment.  However, true wisdom I feel, is born out of necessity.  And, today I learned a lot!

I am where I am supposed to be, no matter where that may be. Side steps, aren't distractions they are design elements.

jim's prairie

 all image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012

it's all good..

When is a strength a weakness and can a weakness ever become a strength?  

This is the question that's been on my mind lately.  Someone very close to me is the personification of determination.  He himself will tell you that he "loves a challenge."  If he deems something worthy of attaining he will do it, he will slay whatever dragon is before him- with sheer will as his weapon of his choice.  However, watching him in action recently, I realized that there is a super fine, gauze-like line between functional determination and uncontrollable compulsion.  

I don't know about you, but I tend to see a compulsion, of any kind really, as a weakness.  If I am truly compulsed to do something, I am not in control, I am unable to think clearly and my compulsion will get in the way of important things like perspective, understanding and relationships.

                                                             image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012

So, this small observation means big changes for me personally, in the way that I classify my own personality traits.  Instead of a linear dichotomy of strengths vs. weaknesses, in reality it's all relative.  Any one of my quirky or particular characteristics could be a strength or weakness depending on the concentration or the situation or the intention.  

I'm not sure why this feels so earth shattering to me except that this seems to confirm for me what I've always known in my gut- that we    need it all!  There's really no point in parsing it out, no point in labeling traits as good or bad.

For every time I'm upset by my apparent lack of strength- I can easily think of a situation where my vulnerability helped to create a bonding moment with another human being.  Likewise, for every time I feel a little guilty over my stubbornness or slightly unyielding manner, I'm sure my family might have a few comments on this, I can think of a time where that perseverance really paid off.  

What does all this mean for me on a daily basis?  I can sum it up in four words: 
don't eradicate-just modulate!