After realizing what I had done, I heard myself start to cry.  Not a silent shedding of tears, not a quiet whimper or a middle of the road snivel, but a full on sob.  I had inadvertantly deleted images from my computer documenting special moments with my children and family.

Now, did I lose my home to tropical storm Irene- NO; did I have to decide which of my children to attempt to save as I struggle to survive in famine riddled Somalia- Not even close.  I have this in perspective now, but yesterday morning I couldn't see straight!

My boys are only getting older and bigger and I feel time slipping through my fingers- losing those images of them at the zoo and the civil war encampment and with my parents on the 4th of July felt like I was losing bits of our family.

But what I actually lost sight of was the fact that erasing the documentation did not negate the existence of these moments.  Life doesn't fly past us, it flows through us.  These special memories, experiences leave a trace in our soul.  Losing the images means we can't SEE the event anymore- but it does not negate the fun  and excitement and love that was felt and made. 

This made me think of some of my patients that I work with and their families.  Often, I work with individuals who have lost memories due to head injury or dementia.  This is devestating for the person and usually more so for their loved ones.  Maybe that's why I got so upset yesterday when I realized my mistake.  Maybe I felt like without the proof of these events, we would eventually lose track of how those events made us feel.

But playing with my children today I realized that whether my boys remember signing the giant baseball at Brookfield zoo or not is not going to make or break their childhood.  What will make or break their young lives is the quality of the traces that I have helped to leave in their little hearts and souls.  These go on.  These will flow through them into adulthood and right on into their own families. 

And, don't worry- I now am the proud owner of an external back-up hard drive : )

Ralph knows best ...



image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2011 



simply moments




image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2011 

 

eyes wide open

When I swing a baseball bat, I swing with as much umph and strength that I can.  I regularly make contact and the hits are decent, but not fabulous. 

My husband tells me that I have a great swing- fast, hard, and consistent.  He also said something that was oddly, and unintentionally, insightful- he said that if I keep my eyes open for the entire swing including the follow through- I will be "unstoppable."

Epiphanies, by definition are "a sudden realization of great truth" and they seem to crop up in random places at unsuspecting times- and boy this was one for me.  Standing at home plate at a local baseball diamond with my husband, 2 boys and my nephew on a gorgeous summer night- I realized that if I keep my eyes open during important parts of my life and continue to face whatever is coming at me with my full attention- than I can't miss!

Fear stands in the way of me making my dreams become reality, or rather turning my reality into my dreams.  I am not afraid of that baseball, I know what's going to happen if it hits me, I know how I'll most likely react.  I close my eyes during the follow through because I'm giving it all I have, trying to smack the tar out of the ball.

I close my eyes during the follow through of my life, because I'm holding back- afraid to fail, afraid to make a mis-step somehow.  My wish today is to keep my eyes open all the way through each pursuit and one of these days I know I'll hit it out of the park!!

fingers crossed




image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2011

 

Along my path, I expect to experience "bends" and obstacles. In fact, I spend much time preparing and protecting myself from these perils.  However, I've become aware recently

that I spend hardly any time enjoying what each day has to offer me.

I preach to my children that they need to experience all that each day brings them.  That they should shed the distress and woes of days gone by so that they may focus on the beauty that unfolds each morning.

But do I live this myself?  No way.  I don't come close to this ideal.  Today I asked myself what holds me back from living in the moment.  The answer came back quickly and unequivically- FEAR.  Fear of failure, fear of going against the comfortable grain that I have sown for myself, fear of the unknown. 

I place this quote here before all of us as a reminder that NOTHING IS WORTH MORE THAN TODAY.

Let's promise each other to say this everyday.  If we say it, we can believe it and eventually we can live it.  Fingers crossed!

we are one




image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2011

 

the bends

I think it's important for me to be completely forthright while working on this blog.  Although, I am proud of myself for starting on this journey for peace, and I am excited every time I find a quote that seems to sum up my thoughts and feelings or gently guides me along- I would be remiss if I didn't discuss the "bends" in the road.

I'm not necessarily referring to the decompression illness that scuba divers may occasionally experience, however, there may be some corollaries, I'll have to think about that one.  Instead, I'm talking about the shape of the journey.  It helps me to think about my path as a physical thing.  Maybe yours is a gravel path going through the woods, maybe it's a worn dirt trail up a mountain.  My path looks something like a rural road complete with straight aways,  tight s-curves and wide bends.  The straight aways are a piece of cake.  I coast down these, enjoying the vistas around me, letting my thoughts wander freely, no worries about what's ahead- because I can see for miles where my path is headed.

Now those bends are another story.  Treacherous to navigate, difficult to gain perspective, only able to see right in front of you, these bends are full of anxieties.  Is there something up ahead?  Will I lose control of the vehicle? Can I fall off the edge?  I found myself smack dab in the middle of a nasty bend this weekend.  I turned 40.

All right, so turning 40 may not sound like that big of a deal, considering the plethora of much worse maladies that exist in our world these days- and it really isn't- and I really wasn't too concerned with it.  But, that 's because I was on a straight away through most of my 30's.  About 3 years ago I found myself in a series of s-curves that I thought I would never be able to best- but I did, or rather I am.  Perhaps that's why I didn't seem to see this bend coming, blindsided if you will (the car metaphors just keep coming, who knew?).

I have come to realize that we are all either running from something or running to something.  I found myself in mid-sprint this weekend, attempting to outrun middle age.  I felt like I had suddenly found myself caught in a nightmare where you just keep running and running from whatever demon is chasing you- never getting anywhere.  My husband kindly and somewhat naively asked me, "how you doing?" on the way to the restaurant-  I couldn't answer because I knew I would melt like butter on a griddle.  It wasn't about being sad that I was older, it wasn't about walking through the thresh hold into another chapter of my life, it wasn't about regrets of things I still had yet to do, it wasn't about missing people and things that I had let slip through the cracks in time, it wasn't about dreams and expectations lost- left behind in my 30's, it wasn't about trying to figure out the best way to mark such an occasion, it wasn't about watching and feeling the aging process at work, it wasn't about any of these things- it was about all of them.

Up until this weekend, I had felt like I was holding my own with this transition.  Up until this point I had tip-toed up to the door way, poked my head in, look around maybe stuck a toe in to the "other side," celebrated and even helped others through when it was their time.  But on Friday afternoon, instead of leisurely and proudly making my way across the thresh hold- I stumbled, fell- actually more like catapulted myself in to the next decade.

Were there tears?  Not as many as there should have been.  I tend to keep my tear ducts on lock down, rarely letting even one be shed- something I hope to address along my journey.  So, to answer the crying question- there were oceans of tears, that started accumulating in my big toe, a tsunami of tears that swelled up until my whole person was filled to the point of a watery eruption.  However, only a hand full managed to sneak out, while I wasn't looking- and as always, they came out at really odd moments- which only added to my thoughts that I might indeed be going a little nutty.

So, how did I get out of this "bend?"  How did I evade the beast that is time?  How did I navigate my way to the next straight away?  The truth is- I didn't, my family did it for me.  As I walked into the sweet fiesta that they had lovingly prepared for me (literally a fiesta with Mexican food and Tequila and flowers for our hair), and I saw 10 of the most beautiful faces smiling at me- I stopped running.  Just as simple as that.  I picked up the remaining pieces of me that laid strewn about, I put on a sombrero and took a swig of a margarita- and I could see for miles in front of me!

another new wish...

This is my next wish, to have a pure mind, because who doesn't want joy following them around everywhere they go?  But what does this mean exactly? 


There are many definitions of the word "pure" and here are a few of my favorites: 1. free from harshness or roughness and being in tune  2. being thus and no other  3. not directed toward exposition of reality or solution of practical problems.


Little did I know that this simple expression "to have a pure mind" could sum up the motivation behind my entire journey!  (I would use the word "focus" instead of motivation, but really that is an oxymoronic statement: a journey of self-enlightenment really can not have one focus, but is rather granted many foci along the way, changing with every bend, at least that's what I've come to believe so far)


You gotta love the magnitude of wisdom that is packed into the efficient teachings of Zen/Buddhism. I feel like Emerson could have been describing this when he said that "The creation of a thousand forests is in one acorn." And, yes, you guessed it, each one of us is that acorn too (oh you betcha, I went there!) and we are filled with all the wisdom of the universe, we just have to be pure of mind to know it. Thoreau said "It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see."

At any rate,  I would love my mind to be "free from harshness"-  to use only empowering self-talk and be in "tune" with who I am (ok, so I've taken some liberties here with the meaning of "tune" but that's how I roll); I would also like to be content with myself just because I am myself and finally, I wish to devote by mindful duties to just being to be, not being to be something.  Does that make any sense?  

can't we all just get along?



image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2010



Andre Gide (French author and winner of the Nobel Prize in literature in 1947) said: "Believe those who are seeking the truth.  Doubt those who find it."  

Wow!  This is quite the concept, when I read it my perspective of myself was instantly turned on it's ear!  I mean, let's face it, we all know those individuals who talk a big talk and seem to know all the answers and seem to never "wander."  At some point, I'm sure we've all felt our self confidence waiver in the presence of others  who seem to have found "the truth." "Why can't I figure it out?" I ask myself all the time!  I guess instead I should be asking "Where can I look next?"

So, to sum up thus far I have come to realize that I am wandering, but not lost and that I am seeking the truth but, gratefully, have not found it.  Does this elucidate anything for me?  Maybe not in the way I was looking for, but it does give me hope.  Hope that I am on the right course, hope that maybe instead of feeling sheepish and doubtful about my quest that really I should feel good that I am constantly searching for the truth, my truth.

Today, after attending two wakes (one for a dear high school classmate; and one for a saintly family friend) I can honestly say that I am grateful for many obnoxious things: I am grateful for the fact that I have to battle both wrinkles and acne at the same time; grateful that I find myself saying the same things to my children over and over again; grateful that I have to balance the need to work out more than ever with the fact that my energy stores are tapped out by 3:00 in the afternoon; and I am grateful that I haven't completed my quest- because all these things mean that I am alive and kicking and that I've been given the gift of another day!!



image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2010


God bless you Deb and Tom