backwards

                                                                                         image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012

So, it wasn't until I was laying on the floor playing with my son that I even realized what I had said.  Someone earlier had asked me about a new venture I was starting and I ended the conversation by saying, "it just kinda feels like I'm going backwards."

Now, back with my 9 year old, I found myself getting literally sent backwards on the board game we were engrossed in.  Being slightly competitive by nature (insert giant sarcastic laugh here for use of the word "little")  I let out a slightly deflated sound at the recent turn of events.  Innocently, my son asked "what's wrong?" to which I replied, "now I'm going the wrong way!"

Honestly, I still had not become aware of my new defeatist mantra until my little guy replied with "You're not going the wrong way, you're just going a different way."

BINGO!  Nothing like getting a big ol' zen smack in the face- from your youngest child.  Sure, I might feel like I'm going backwards a little, I might feel like I'm off my chosen path (the concept of  whether we choose our path or not, requires a conversation for another day for sure!)- but thankfully my son had inadvertently reminded me that I am not going the wrong way, just a different way.

So then I began to envision myself strolling along (again, insert a big "hah" as I never stroll anywhere) the path I am blazing for myself, and try to see the happenings that I currently tend to perceive as unwanted obstacles or "backward steps" as simply side paths.  Like when a big rock or fallen tree cuts off the path of a rushing stream.  The water doesn't stop.  It may slow down a little as it builds up, but gradually it forges another route around the impetus.  Truth is, the water doesn't worry about getting "back" to the stream, it is the stream it is where it is supposed to be.

 Eventually, I will get this.

I talk to my patients about this very concept all the time!  Often, we will share a vulnerable moment that begins with my patient stating that he or she is not where they are "supposed" to be or that they can't wait to "get back" to their life.  The truth that I pass on to each of them is that healing cannot occur until they accept that this IS their life and they are exactly where they are supposed to be.

Boy, do I feel like a hypocrite at this moment.  However, true wisdom I feel, is born out of necessity.  And, today I learned a lot!

I am where I am supposed to be, no matter where that may be. Side steps, aren't distractions they are design elements.

jim's prairie

 all image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012

it's all good..

When is a strength a weakness and can a weakness ever become a strength?  

This is the question that's been on my mind lately.  Someone very close to me is the personification of determination.  He himself will tell you that he "loves a challenge."  If he deems something worthy of attaining he will do it, he will slay whatever dragon is before him- with sheer will as his weapon of his choice.  However, watching him in action recently, I realized that there is a super fine, gauze-like line between functional determination and uncontrollable compulsion.  

I don't know about you, but I tend to see a compulsion, of any kind really, as a weakness.  If I am truly compulsed to do something, I am not in control, I am unable to think clearly and my compulsion will get in the way of important things like perspective, understanding and relationships.

                                                             image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012

So, this small observation means big changes for me personally, in the way that I classify my own personality traits.  Instead of a linear dichotomy of strengths vs. weaknesses, in reality it's all relative.  Any one of my quirky or particular characteristics could be a strength or weakness depending on the concentration or the situation or the intention.  

I'm not sure why this feels so earth shattering to me except that this seems to confirm for me what I've always known in my gut- that we    need it all!  There's really no point in parsing it out, no point in labeling traits as good or bad.

For every time I'm upset by my apparent lack of strength- I can easily think of a situation where my vulnerability helped to create a bonding moment with another human being.  Likewise, for every time I feel a little guilty over my stubbornness or slightly unyielding manner, I'm sure my family might have a few comments on this, I can think of a time where that perseverance really paid off.  

What does all this mean for me on a daily basis?  I can sum it up in four words: 
don't eradicate-just modulate!

words to live by...

  image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012

look wherever you are

  image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012

Look in the beauty of a flower and in the wonder of a child,
Look in the mundane and look in the wild,
Look in large vistas and look in small spaces,
Look in quiet moments and in familiar faces,
Look without searching, look without care,
Look for the magic- it's everywhere!

happy thoughts from my happy place

  image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012

Door County, Wisconsin

Happy Birthday America!

dream board

I am a little embarrassed to admit that it has taken me this long to put up a "dream board" in my own home. But, here it is...

So far, my husband and I are the only ones to have added anything to it, but I think it's good for the kids to see this everyday- and even if it just gets them to think about their dreams and wishes- I am good with that!

                                                                                                           image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012

I am a new day,
I am the next moment, 
I am a ripple in a pond, 
I am a bud about to bloom,
I am a child about to laugh, 
I am the wind in a prairie,
I am the tingling before a first kiss, 
I am the sun rising again, 
I am everything that is good, because I am everything that will be.

being smart ..

So my almost 9 year old son was talking to me this morning about kids who are smart in his class.  This one's smart at math, this one's smart at reading, and so on and so on.  Not once did he mention himself and where his skills lie.  This didn't surprise me, number one, because he's very honest- yet crazy humble and he's comfortable in that little hidden land of his, and number two because he doesn't always see his talents as being on par with these academic pursuits.

So I asked him, "what are you smart at?"  He shrugged his shoulders and thought for a moment while he was drawing another one of his masterpieces (I don't use this word lightly, the kid has talent) and said "I'm good at drawing, but that's not smart."
                                                                                                            image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012

This of course made me want to blog.  Not only is my son "smart," dare I say gifted in the realm of drawing and creating- he's also incredibly smart at being a human being.  He knows when to compliment someone, he knows when someone needs a hug and gives it freely even when the other person is pitching a fit, he knows how to be hilarious without even trying, he knows when to help someone and when to give them space, he controls his emotions when he needs to and expresses himself at just the right moment, he allows others to comfort him and he knows how to show love in everything he does.

To me, my son is brilliant, a genius at being an artist and being a member of the human race.  He gets things most adults I know can't or don't try to understand, yet he doesn't feel that he is "smart."

Here's my next wish- I wish to change this.  I wish to help create an environment in academia and in our community at large that encourages and acknowledges all types of  "smart."                                                               

I earned every possible honor and accolade in my education from grade school to grad school- but I am not nearly as smart as my son.  I'm pretty sure that's why God sent him to me.