Buddha's got my number...

                                                                                                                                                     image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012

destiny?

image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2013

power...

For sure, what you're thinking right now is "I wish I could express my own personal power in a meaningful mathematical expression, because then I could figure out just where I was lacking and figure out a simple way to increase my power!"  Right, I mean isn't this high on your to do list today?  Of course, I'm kidding.  I realize this is a bit of a bizarre approach to trying to figure out what my next step is in life, but this is how my brain works : )

Ok, so once again, I am clearly not afraid to let my nerdiness show a little (or a lot).  So, where do we start?  First of all, we can't call it "personal power" because the variable abbreviation would be "PP" and that's just wrong!  I think instead we'll use "intrinsic power," or "IP"

Now we need to label our other variables:
IP = intrinsic power
V = value (where v = er + ir )
er = extrinsic rewards
ir = intrinsic rewards "that good vibe feeling after a job well done"
sd = self doubt (where sd = f *1)  where 1 is a constant and stands for any previous failure experience
f = fear (scale from 1-10)
ex = experience (positive or negative depending on where it is in the equation)
C = confidence (where c = v * ex)

So, here's what I have come up with, it may need a little tweaking, but here goes: Intrinsic Power comes from our concept of self worth or value (which is determined by adding up the number of extrinsic and intrinsic rewards) multiplied by the number of times we feel valued (or experience) divided by our feelings of self doubt (which comes from multiplying how fearful we are *1.

The long version                                               The simplified version
IP = (er + ir) ex                                                 IP = C
            f * 1                                                             sd

Now, this represents the ideal.  A situation where we are kind to ourselves and multiply our level of fear for a new endeavor by the number 1 instead of using the number of times we have failed or perceived we failed in the past (perceived failure is a topic for a whole other day).  This way, we are minimizing the negative impact of failure on our general well being.  I think this is the ideal, because I do believe that we learn more from our mistakes than when we get things right.  In reality, however, I think many of us would have an equation that is heavily weighted in the negative more like:

IP =  er + ir + ex
           f * ex


let's see what happens if we use these 2 different equations to calculate my intrinsic power when it comes to cooking a dinner that everyone will eat at my house for a given month:

Nice version:                                                       Not so nice version:
IP = (3 + 1)15 = 60 = 12                                     IP = 3 + 1 + 15 = 19 = .25333

         5 * 1            5                                                      5 * 15                            

So, you can see being kind to yourself and using 1 instead of the actual number of times you feel you failed ( in the denominator) makes a big difference.  Likewise, multiplying (in the numerator) the number of positive experiences instead of just adding- makes a big difference too!  I would take an IP of 12 any day over .25333- well you get the idea.

The take home message for myself is that I need to do everything in my power (pun intended) to increase my confidence in an area and decrease my self doubt.  No matter how big my confidence may be, as my self doubt increases, my IP decreases.  Simple, right?  Makes sense?  Kinda kooky?

I guess it's just my weird way of making sense of something I don't always get.  Just a way to attempt to understand the chaos of the human experience through a constant like math.  Just ask George and Calliope, they totally get this!!

       

giving..

Some people are awesome at giving gifts.  They somehow manage to take all they know about you and magically determine and seem to easily find the most perfect, "holy crap I didn't even know I wanted this and now I realize how much I can't live without it," kind of gift. 

My mother is one of these people, I am not.  I will labor over trying to figure out the best little trinket or gadget for someone and inevitably end up falling short.  Truly, I have learned that this gift giving gene must skip a generation because my children are great gift givers too.  UGH!!

My oldest son will remember obscure references to a wanted item that a family member mentioned years ago and my youngest son will create something that is so personal and touching that he         always wins big points too.

So, of course, I got to thinking about types of gifts.  Yes, there are amazing and awesome things that people can buy for you- like the amazing and awesome computer my family all chipped in to buy for my fortieth birthday!  And, don't get me wrong, these things are all appreciated and utilized and adored, but really there a so many other kinds of amazing and awesome gifts too.  The homemade cards, art pieces, poems and sweet notes my children make for us, the times my husband anticipates my needs and    helps out in whatever way he can, the countless comforting hugs and kind words that my children and my family bestow upon me at just the right moment, a smile from a stranger, a friend listening to my rants- these are just a small list of some of the other kinds of amazing and awesome gifts I receive on an almost daily basis. (And, yes, I consider myself quite blessed!)

But, there is one more kind of gift.  One at which I am still practicing and honing my skills.  One that I hope my children feel now and may understand later.  I call them silent gifts.  These are the gifts that your receiver doesn't even realize they've been given.  What?  If the person receiving the gift isn't aware of it, then how can it be a gift- by definition?  So, I looked up the definition of gift:

"something voluntarily transferred by one person to another without compensation."  

Sure, it makes sense that recognition or awareness of a gift is fundamental to the whole gift giving processes- but in fact it's not!  The only caveat is that it must be without compensation.  So, every time you hold your tongue with your teenager, or every time you lovingly repeat the same information to your toddler (for the 50th time) and every time you complete menial tasks for the sake of your family (like grocery shopping- oh how I hate grocery shopping!!)  and every time you make someone else's life a little brighter, a little easier- especially if they don't realize what you've done or what you haven't done (like picking your battles with your husband) this is a silent gift.  

I know damn well that I will continue to struggle with picking out the obligatory material gifts for my
friends and family (sorry guys if you're reading this!)- but starting today- I wish to increase exponentially the amount of silent gifts that I pass along their way as well and maybe it will all  cancel out : )

music

             image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2013

beauty

                                                                                              image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2013

letting go or giving up...

At work, sitting with a group of my patients, I always start by having everyone introduce themselves.  I've learned that most everyone wants to tell their story and absolutely everyone needs to share their story.  It creates bonds with others who have experienced a similar fate, it validates our own personal struggles and it is crucial to starting the healing process, letting go.

My group on this particular day consisted of four patients, all working on improving their short term memory and a variety of other cognitive skills, however, each one's story started out a little different.  One patient suffered a head injury during a car accident, two patients suffered strokes and one patient is recovering from hydrocephalus resulting from a failed shunt.  Different paths, different journeys.

As we start out, my first patient tells us his name, where he's from and a little about his family.  He states "I have eight children here on earth and one in heaven."  I felt a lump appear in my throat.  As the soft spot light slowly worked it's way around the group to me, I heard myself start my usual spiel and then an interesting thing happened.. I became acutely aware of the low buzzing sound from the fluorescent fixtures above us, the dewy drops of sweat forming on my palms and the fact that I was disclosing information for which I felt I was not prepared.  I felt like I was telling someone else's secret.  "I have two wonderful little boys here, and one child in heaven too," I heard myself say. 

This was not earth shattering information.  My closest friends and family were aware of the miscarriage of my third and final pregnancy, but somehow sharing this with a group of strangers made it oh so real, made me feel a little lighter and a little stronger- and a little dizzy (if I'm going to be totally honest).  Different paths?  Different journeys?

Funny, how a moment can be experienced so differently by each person in it.  To my patients, the information I shared was sad, but was not altering to them in anyway.  Yet, to me, this moment changed everything!  I breathed a little more deeply after this, the view from behind the shadowy haze of loss became a little more clear and I began to to let go- just a smidge.

I wasn't even aware of how tightly I was holding on to these memories.  I was holding them so close to my chest with the strength of both arms, as if keeping them there meant I somehow would never truly lose my little one, no wonder I had been having trouble letting anything or anyone else in.  After this group session with my patients, I finally relaxed and unhinged my arms.  I started to wrap up these memories like little gifts.  I cereberally labeled each with it's associated emotions like gift tags and placed them in my figurative backpack.  See, I believe we all carry around a little backpack filled with our own unique compilation of "baggage."  My, backpack became heavier that day (a lot heavier!), but I freed up my arms; freed them up to be able to hug my boys more fully, freed them up to be able to help others carry their loads when needed and freed me up to be able to start collecting new memories- to start to live a little more.

These memories and moments are not gone, I've simply moved them.  I can and do take them out to look at them all the time.  The edges are softening a little at a time and I take great comfort in returning them to my "backpack" when I'm done.  These experiences, usually the more painful ones, are shaping me- they are me.  I don't have to give up a thing by letting go, and in fact, it allows me to get more out of my life- out of each beautiful moment.


“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” -C.S. Lewis

need to remember this..

  image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012

shades..

I realized today that writing this blog, my short stories and the novel I've been working on for the last two years- as well as my photography- are my current sun glasses and big hair.  If that statement doesn't make much sense, then I know you're paying attention!  It doesn't make sense, not immediately...

When I was younger, late teens or so, I wasn't quite sure who I was let alone willing to share whatever I was with the world.  So, I would hide behind my big hair and sunglasses.

It was like a Halloween costume you never had to take off.  I don't think I understood this at the time, but I realize it now.  It was easier to show some vulnerabilities from behind this guise, then to just let it all hang out- so to speak.

Now, I have to wear prescription sunglasses and my hair isn't nearly as big (nor is it socially acceptable anymore), so I find that hiding isn't as much of an option.  That's where writing and photography come into play.  I can communicate my thoughts through the images I choose to capture and the text I choose to create.  I can show glimpses of myself while remaining behind the lens and behind the keyboard.  This works for me. 

What works for my oldest son these days is hiding behind the winter hat and sunglasses that he seems to never be without and that I am always asking him to remove.  I won't be doing that anymore!

joule or jewel?

Okay, so yesterday I had a moment.  I did not choose to chase the light, as I posted the other day.  I did not try to see all things strewn about my path as meaningful or educational.  I did not try to release the past and keep looking forward.  Instead, I gave name to a few of the things that I feel are holding me back.  I articulated the thoughts in my head and released or, more to the point, unleashed them at my unsuspecting husband (for better or for worse, he knew what he was getting into).  To be fair, he really has very little to do with my obstacles, my side steps and now that I have said these things out loud- I realize that he can really have very little to do with me adjusting my focus either (total bummer, because it's nice to have someone else to blame!).

I started to think about the word "potential." I used it recently to describe my friend's daughter and the fact that she is starting the process of selecting a college to attend.  We talked about how we wouldn't necessarily want to re-do that time in our lives, but that it would be awesome to be in that magical state of potential- when anything is possible.

So, this got me thinking about physics of course (I am a total science geek, can't help it), specifically, "potential energy."  There are different types of potential energy and a few different ways to define it, but basically..

Potential Energy is stored energy that a body possesses based on it's position to others, stresses acting within it, electric charges and so on.  This stored energy is "hidden" and is ready to be utilized in the future to do something "useful."  An object usually has potential energy because a force has moved it to a different position or changed it in some way.  And, ironically, potential energy is measured in joules.

Funny, that it's physics once again that gives me some inspiration and peace.  I guess the study of the universe should give us just that, so maybe it's not so funny after all. I mean the word physics does comes from Greek and Latin roots meaning "of nature," "growth," and "to bring forth," so big cosmic DUH to me! 

Anyway, I took a few things away from my research: 1. There is nothing in the definition of potential energy that says anything about age or dissipating over time.  Basically, an object has varying degrees of potential energy, until it is released to do something "useful."  This is what I am searching for- to do something useful.  So, I must still be filled with potential!!  2. The stresses in our lives, the people closest to us and our surroundings- all impact our potential.  And, lastly- the fact that potential energy is measured in joules- just makes my soul smile.  Of course it would be joules- because our potential energy/potential as human beings is shiny and sparkly and hidden in the depths of our being- just waiting to be mined, released into the burst of kinetic energy that will allow us to do something "useful."

Is this not the battle cry of the middle aged house wife?  We all have so much potential, so much shiny, sparkliness within us.  For sure- raising a healthy and happy family and creating decent, responsible, loving men out of my sweet boys- IS doing something useful!!  I do not doubt this for a moment.  My work as a speech therapist IS useful and helpful to many.  But, I am referring to doing something useful for me (of course, if it happens to benefit the universe in some way I am totally cool with that too).

This is my new wish- to be able to adjust my focus, realign the forces that impact my potential (increase my joules!) and do something useful!!!!  Who's with me?????