Newtown..

image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012

No more guns, no more innocents lost.  

We belong to each other- across the world, across our country and throughout our communities. 

 Our love, our sorrow and our prayers are with you Connecticut.

it's coming!

                                                                                               image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012

empty spaces?

Transition:

a : passage from one state, stage, subject, or place to another : change

b : a movement, development, or evolution from one form, stage, or style to another

Recently my husband and I were talking about our boys and how even though they're bigger now, they still occasionally have difficulty with transitions.  As adults, we know that kids may have trouble with this and we give them lots of lead time.  We tell them what's going to happen first, then we give them gentle reminders and updates, eventually we give them "less than gentle" reminders and then the consequences start.

Do we give ourselves the same benefit?                                image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012
Are these imaginary, portal-like "spaces" between activities really the problem or is it how we perceive them?  Is it because something has to end in order for the next to begin?  Or is it fear that creates anxiety in these moments?

So, after mulling this around in my head for a few minutes I started to think about times in my life that were the most stressful and yes they all had to do with transitions.  High school to college, college to real job, real job to graduate school, changing jobs, getting married, moving to a new home, becoming a parent, changing family roles, dealing with pre-teens instead of little kids and probably my toughest- realizing that I would not have any more children (part and parcel of- "oh crap when did I turn 40?).
 
Some people handle  these transitions with dignity and grace and ease.  I tend to go kicking and screaming into those theoretical "spaces."  To quote Dylan Thomas:

"Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light."

Yeah, that's me. I tend to rage against the dying of the light.  Luckily, and annoyingly,  my husband tends to gracefully slide right through (so I got that going for me).  The funny thing is that once I am "on the other side," so to speak, I'm fine.  It's fear of leaving who I am in one dimension and fear of who I may or may not be in the next.  It's fear of leaving some incredibly important part of me behind, fear that moving on means a negation of what was before.   It's fear that keeps me kicking and screaming through each transition. 

But I have to keep in mind that the word also means "evolution."  I'm not losing who I was or what has already happened in my life- I'm just modifying.  Those things that are vital to defining and shading in my soul will never leave me.  So, I'm finally starting to realize what I need to do get over this fear.  It's not be kinder to myself, it's not take a new age self-actualize class (not that there's anything wrong with it), It's not to drink more wine (although that's fun), it's not to create more boards on pinterest- it's to say "so what."

I'm sure Pink wasn't thrilled with her transition from wife to ex-wife (now wife again- keep up!  And yes, I am referencing Pink) but she made a damn good song about it.  And, she's totally right- so what!  So what my kids are big now!  So what I'm not further along in my career because I stayed home to take care of my little cuties!  So what I'm getting older!  So what!!!

True, I can't follow that up with "I'm a still a rock star," but I can follow that up with a lot of other good things about myself that I am proud to have experienced.

lighting the way

There's no better light than that of a Fall afternoon gently peeking through the window.  

As another season quickly fades, here's one last autumnal bloom and 

a favorite quote to help illuminate our way into the next..

     image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012

backwards

                                                                                         image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012

So, it wasn't until I was laying on the floor playing with my son that I even realized what I had said.  Someone earlier had asked me about a new venture I was starting and I ended the conversation by saying, "it just kinda feels like I'm going backwards."

Now, back with my 9 year old, I found myself getting literally sent backwards on the board game we were engrossed in.  Being slightly competitive by nature (insert giant sarcastic laugh here for use of the word "little")  I let out a slightly deflated sound at the recent turn of events.  Innocently, my son asked "what's wrong?" to which I replied, "now I'm going the wrong way!"

Honestly, I still had not become aware of my new defeatist mantra until my little guy replied with "You're not going the wrong way, you're just going a different way."

BINGO!  Nothing like getting a big ol' zen smack in the face- from your youngest child.  Sure, I might feel like I'm going backwards a little, I might feel like I'm off my chosen path (the concept of  whether we choose our path or not, requires a conversation for another day for sure!)- but thankfully my son had inadvertently reminded me that I am not going the wrong way, just a different way.

So then I began to envision myself strolling along (again, insert a big "hah" as I never stroll anywhere) the path I am blazing for myself, and try to see the happenings that I currently tend to perceive as unwanted obstacles or "backward steps" as simply side paths.  Like when a big rock or fallen tree cuts off the path of a rushing stream.  The water doesn't stop.  It may slow down a little as it builds up, but gradually it forges another route around the impetus.  Truth is, the water doesn't worry about getting "back" to the stream, it is the stream it is where it is supposed to be.

 Eventually, I will get this.

I talk to my patients about this very concept all the time!  Often, we will share a vulnerable moment that begins with my patient stating that he or she is not where they are "supposed" to be or that they can't wait to "get back" to their life.  The truth that I pass on to each of them is that healing cannot occur until they accept that this IS their life and they are exactly where they are supposed to be.

Boy, do I feel like a hypocrite at this moment.  However, true wisdom I feel, is born out of necessity.  And, today I learned a lot!

I am where I am supposed to be, no matter where that may be. Side steps, aren't distractions they are design elements.

jim's prairie

 all image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012

it's all good..

When is a strength a weakness and can a weakness ever become a strength?  

This is the question that's been on my mind lately.  Someone very close to me is the personification of determination.  He himself will tell you that he "loves a challenge."  If he deems something worthy of attaining he will do it, he will slay whatever dragon is before him- with sheer will as his weapon of his choice.  However, watching him in action recently, I realized that there is a super fine, gauze-like line between functional determination and uncontrollable compulsion.  

I don't know about you, but I tend to see a compulsion, of any kind really, as a weakness.  If I am truly compulsed to do something, I am not in control, I am unable to think clearly and my compulsion will get in the way of important things like perspective, understanding and relationships.

                                                             image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012

So, this small observation means big changes for me personally, in the way that I classify my own personality traits.  Instead of a linear dichotomy of strengths vs. weaknesses, in reality it's all relative.  Any one of my quirky or particular characteristics could be a strength or weakness depending on the concentration or the situation or the intention.  

I'm not sure why this feels so earth shattering to me except that this seems to confirm for me what I've always known in my gut- that we    need it all!  There's really no point in parsing it out, no point in labeling traits as good or bad.

For every time I'm upset by my apparent lack of strength- I can easily think of a situation where my vulnerability helped to create a bonding moment with another human being.  Likewise, for every time I feel a little guilty over my stubbornness or slightly unyielding manner, I'm sure my family might have a few comments on this, I can think of a time where that perseverance really paid off.  

What does all this mean for me on a daily basis?  I can sum it up in four words: 
don't eradicate-just modulate!

words to live by...

  image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012

look wherever you are

  image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012

Look in the beauty of a flower and in the wonder of a child,
Look in the mundane and look in the wild,
Look in large vistas and look in small spaces,
Look in quiet moments and in familiar faces,
Look without searching, look without care,
Look for the magic- it's everywhere!

happy thoughts from my happy place

  image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012

Door County, Wisconsin

Happy Birthday America!

dream board

I am a little embarrassed to admit that it has taken me this long to put up a "dream board" in my own home. But, here it is...

So far, my husband and I are the only ones to have added anything to it, but I think it's good for the kids to see this everyday- and even if it just gets them to think about their dreams and wishes- I am good with that!

                                                                                                           image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012

I am a new day,
I am the next moment, 
I am a ripple in a pond, 
I am a bud about to bloom,
I am a child about to laugh, 
I am the wind in a prairie,
I am the tingling before a first kiss, 
I am the sun rising again, 
I am everything that is good, because I am everything that will be.

being smart ..

So my almost 9 year old son was talking to me this morning about kids who are smart in his class.  This one's smart at math, this one's smart at reading, and so on and so on.  Not once did he mention himself and where his skills lie.  This didn't surprise me, number one, because he's very honest- yet crazy humble and he's comfortable in that little hidden land of his, and number two because he doesn't always see his talents as being on par with these academic pursuits.

So I asked him, "what are you smart at?"  He shrugged his shoulders and thought for a moment while he was drawing another one of his masterpieces (I don't use this word lightly, the kid has talent) and said "I'm good at drawing, but that's not smart."
                                                                                                            image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012

This of course made me want to blog.  Not only is my son "smart," dare I say gifted in the realm of drawing and creating- he's also incredibly smart at being a human being.  He knows when to compliment someone, he knows when someone needs a hug and gives it freely even when the other person is pitching a fit, he knows how to be hilarious without even trying, he knows when to help someone and when to give them space, he controls his emotions when he needs to and expresses himself at just the right moment, he allows others to comfort him and he knows how to show love in everything he does.

To me, my son is brilliant, a genius at being an artist and being a member of the human race.  He gets things most adults I know can't or don't try to understand, yet he doesn't feel that he is "smart."

Here's my next wish- I wish to change this.  I wish to help create an environment in academia and in our community at large that encourages and acknowledges all types of  "smart."                                                               

I earned every possible honor and accolade in my education from grade school to grad school- but I am not nearly as smart as my son.  I'm pretty sure that's why God sent him to me.






                                                                                                                                                                                         

greatness

image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012 

Abraham Lincoln said something similar: "Whatever you are, be a good one."  

I often can get hung up on searching for that "one thing" that I feel I am missing.  You've maybe even read about my quest on this blog.  It's just around the corner, this ridiculously noble calling or purpose that the universe appears to be holding ransom from me.  

Truth is, by doing this, I realize that I am missing out on key opportunities for greatness.  Yeah, that's right- by searching for greatness, I'm missing out on greatness- now you can see why I've been so confused and maybe a little lost.  

Yes- there are many images from history books and in the media, that portray "great people."  You may even know some.  But, I'm slowly (painstakingly so) coming to realize that these people are not any greater than I am or you are.  Most of us, out of necessity, are  driven by the work-a-day needs of ourselves or our families and friends, but that doesn't make us any less great.  It's not the calling that makes us great, it's how we pursue it, that unleashes the greatness that's inside each and everyone of us.  

What Oliver and Abe (that's right, first name basis) are filling us in on is that greatness is not externally handed to us, and neither is it restricted to a special few.  We all have it within us to be great.  Doing whatever we do to the best of our abilities, makes us great- no matter what it is!  

“Nothing is more simple than greatness; indeed, to be simple is to be great.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it.  

-Buddha

west of the moon, east of the sun

 

image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012 

set backs

I feel like the root of most of my issues is the constant pressure I feel to push forward, to always look ahead, to plan for the future.  I have a strong tendency to zero on what I feel should be my "final destination" and blindly ignore the present and lament over any "set backs" along my path.  Of course, in my heart I know this is completely backwards and I realize the pain and frustration that it causes me and the awesome moments that I am potentially missing out on- but the pull is so strong!

I wish to be able to truly live my life, on my own terms.  Live the life that's best for my family and enjoy where I am every step of the way.
                                                                                                                                                                                         image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012

Yesterday something important to me, but minor in the big scheme of things, went awry.  I had been planning and waiting and anticipating yesterday with great eagerness!  Unfortunately, I was let down with the outcome and explained this to my husband as a "set back."  As I heard myself say this and after I thought about it a little bit, I realized I needed to make a conscious effort to perceive this situation just a little differently.

Focusing on this as a negative event made me feel, well, negative.  And,  to make matters worse, all this negativity couldn't change the outcome anyway (unless I was Superman and could turn back time- wicked cool!).  So, I decided to see this moment not as a problem that needed to be solved, not as a let down or disappointing set back- rather I thought of it as another step along my way.  Change is good, taking a risk is good, trying something and failing is better than settling for mediocrity- at least in my book anyway.  "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds" (Ralph Waldo Emerson) one of my mantras- and I'm sure I've quoted this text before in my blog- but it bares repeating!

So, here I am focusing on my journey, enjoying the good times and learning from the less than good times.  It's not like this is second nature for me yet, which is why I am throwing it out to the universe.  Now, the scary part about being journey-driven instead of prize-driven is that realistically, the quest never ends.  For a type A, perfectionist like myself, the idea of never completing the task makes me feel a little nauseous.  However, that's really the best part (the infinite-ness, not the nausea).  If there is no exact end point, than I get to keep on experiencing and growing and learning every single day.  My Mom just said to me "you always need a project,"  I do!  She's right, I'm happiest when I'm working on something and a little depressed when it's over.  I guess I'm starting to learn  that I'd rather feel a little queasy than be stuck in anger and disappointment, I think anyway,- we'll see.

messenger

image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012

return

image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012

Spring came early to my window, flutter, fragrance, flush.

Clues unfolding in my gaze, bud, blossom, blush.

A gift, a glimpse of glittering green,

A song, a shimmer of subtle degree.

A breeze of a dream on the wispy wings of a wish.  

Spring came early to my window, flutter, fragrance, flush.

what's your story?

I started this blog as a means of spreading peace, scattering hope on the wings of wishes.  Along the way, however, I am extremely happy to say that I have not only discovered some much needed personal peace but I have also learned a few things about myself.

One of my initial wishes was to be able to find my niche, to quote the movie City Slickers- my "one thing."  That "thing" that is all mine.  That "thing" that I can get some self worth from, validation.  I've asked myself many times, "what is it that I am searching for?"  "What am I hoping to achieve with my writing and my images?"


As often happens for me, I found my "answering" in the quotes of other people.  I use the term "answering" here instead of "answer," because it implies a less final state.  I have yet to find a final reply that is an end to my forever question, and quite honestly, I'm not sure that I ever want to.  The idea of the universe somehow continuing to provide me with wisdom and insight is a powerful and positive notion that, quite frankly, I cling to!

                                                                 Alas for those that never sing, 

                                                            But die with all their music in them!

                                                                     Oliver Wendell Holmes

 So, this time it was a nineteenth century poet/physician as well as a modern day author/poet that came to my rescue, that lifted me and enlightened me.  To me their quotes are similar and convey the same somber yet "go for it with all you've got" message.  These words both describe my middle-age angst and my quest to find my "thing," but they also have showed me that I've been missing the boat.

 
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
Maya Angelou

I've been searching all wrong! I've been spinning my wheels looking at the big picture and missing the ridiculously important details.  I've been focusing my energies on HOW to get my thoughts and my ideas out of my own head and how to best present my art to others- instead of trying to discover exactly WHAT my song is, my story.

We are all unique individuals and I agree with Maya Angelou when she says, "I believe that every person is born with talent."  I also believe that we all have our own strengths and weaknesses, and each and everyone of us carries with us our own bizarre compilation of baggage that we have accrued along the way.  All this good and evil, light and dark, is the ink with which we pen our story and the notes we use to compose our own song.  

This is what I am now working on, this is my new wish: to be able to articulate my song, my story through an artistic expression.  To sing it loudly, not because I want someone to hear it, not because I think someone needs to hear it- just because I can, because it's authentically me, because I need to sing it- and no matter what it might sound like or what it reads like- it's beautiful.  And, I'll be damned if I'm going to go to my end someday, never singing it!

 

image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2011

roughing us out

Carving out three dimensional images from large slabs of stone is a process that appears to be older than civilzation itself.  There are examples of prehistoric statues such as the "Venus of Willendorf" which may date back as far as 24,000-22,000 BCE. 

Today, there are of course some new tools and technology that are available to sculptors, however, the process is basically the same: Roughing, Refining, Smoothing and Finishing. 


A lamassu from the Palace of Sargon II
 Oriental Institute University of Chicago
Photograph by AnnMarie Gitchell



Roughing out the very most basic shape is step one and typically involves a mallet and a pointed chisel to make gross cuts.  In this phase, large sections of unwanted stone are literally knocked off the slab, while the sculptor holds his tool at about a 90 degree angle.

Refining starts by using toothed shaped chisels held at about a 45 degree angle, allowing the artist to add more subtle details. 

Finally, smoothing and finishing are completed using smooth chisels, files and rasps- giving us the final masterpiece.

But what does this have to do with peace or wishes or human growth or anything else I have mentioned in this blog?  Well, recently I had a thought.  Like most of my ideas, this one is not particularly earth-shattering or revolutionary.  Just like the title of my blog- "a spoken wish" all I am intending to do is to take these perhaps common thoughts that most of us are or will be thinking at some time- and outwardly state them, commit to them.  So, I was thinking about how much time I personally spend mulling over positive and negative experiences.  Now, I am not saying that I am a doomsdayer or completely pessimistic glass half empty kind of person- but I have noticed that the more negative feeling experiences are the ones that tend to pop into my head when I'm driving to work or putting laundry away or accomplishing some other completely mindless feat.  It's not the successes of myself and my family that jump out to the forefront, it's the times that make me feel the most guilt, the most sadness, the most loss, the most regret, the most anger, the most resentment and despair. 

So, of course this made me think of sculpting?  Yeah, I know a little out there- but stay with me because there is a connection.  Maybe, just maybe these "negative" moments stick with us more because they are the experiences that really give us our shape.  Maybe every time something happens to us and we experience a strong negative emotional response, maybe that's the sculptor carving away at us, making us truly who we are by knocking off the chunks of stone we just don't need.  Perhaps these broad strokes are what help us to evolve into the people we are today.  Maybe this is why I think about these times more, maybe I need to in order to stay along my path- in order to continue to become.

Now, don't get me wrong, positive/happy moments and experiences are incredibly important too!  These are the smoothing chisels and the rasps.  These take the person that we are and "finish" us, polish us, smooth all our rough edges into one form.  I guess what I am getting at is that we are each an amazing masterpiece, created by every experience that comes our way.  We can't underestimate the power of positivity and the fine tuning it does on our souls, but we also can't ignore those times that have troubled us the most- for these give us our basic shape, these help define our character.  That's not to say that we are only the sum of our unhappiness, but that these moments are not for nothing.  I think this is what Walt Whitman was paraphrasing so eloquently when he said, "Every moment of light and dark is a miracle." 

I spend a lot of time, telling myself to "get over" things and wondering when I will be "past" a certain event or unpleasant moment.  I wish to break this habit and just let myself be, let myself become the masterpiece that no one else can be!