need to remember this..

  image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012

shades..

I realized today that writing this blog, my short stories and the novel I've been working on for the last two years- as well as my photography- are my current sun glasses and big hair.  If that statement doesn't make much sense, then I know you're paying attention!  It doesn't make sense, not immediately...

When I was younger, late teens or so, I wasn't quite sure who I was let alone willing to share whatever I was with the world.  So, I would hide behind my big hair and sunglasses.

It was like a Halloween costume you never had to take off.  I don't think I understood this at the time, but I realize it now.  It was easier to show some vulnerabilities from behind this guise, then to just let it all hang out- so to speak.

Now, I have to wear prescription sunglasses and my hair isn't nearly as big (nor is it socially acceptable anymore), so I find that hiding isn't as much of an option.  That's where writing and photography come into play.  I can communicate my thoughts through the images I choose to capture and the text I choose to create.  I can show glimpses of myself while remaining behind the lens and behind the keyboard.  This works for me. 

What works for my oldest son these days is hiding behind the winter hat and sunglasses that he seems to never be without and that I am always asking him to remove.  I won't be doing that anymore!

joule or jewel?

Okay, so yesterday I had a moment.  I did not choose to chase the light, as I posted the other day.  I did not try to see all things strewn about my path as meaningful or educational.  I did not try to release the past and keep looking forward.  Instead, I gave name to a few of the things that I feel are holding me back.  I articulated the thoughts in my head and released or, more to the point, unleashed them at my unsuspecting husband (for better or for worse, he knew what he was getting into).  To be fair, he really has very little to do with my obstacles, my side steps and now that I have said these things out loud- I realize that he can really have very little to do with me adjusting my focus either (total bummer, because it's nice to have someone else to blame!).

I started to think about the word "potential." I used it recently to describe my friend's daughter and the fact that she is starting the process of selecting a college to attend.  We talked about how we wouldn't necessarily want to re-do that time in our lives, but that it would be awesome to be in that magical state of potential- when anything is possible.

So, this got me thinking about physics of course (I am a total science geek, can't help it), specifically, "potential energy."  There are different types of potential energy and a few different ways to define it, but basically..

Potential Energy is stored energy that a body possesses based on it's position to others, stresses acting within it, electric charges and so on.  This stored energy is "hidden" and is ready to be utilized in the future to do something "useful."  An object usually has potential energy because a force has moved it to a different position or changed it in some way.  And, ironically, potential energy is measured in joules.

Funny, that it's physics once again that gives me some inspiration and peace.  I guess the study of the universe should give us just that, so maybe it's not so funny after all. I mean the word physics does comes from Greek and Latin roots meaning "of nature," "growth," and "to bring forth," so big cosmic DUH to me! 

Anyway, I took a few things away from my research: 1. There is nothing in the definition of potential energy that says anything about age or dissipating over time.  Basically, an object has varying degrees of potential energy, until it is released to do something "useful."  This is what I am searching for- to do something useful.  So, I must still be filled with potential!!  2. The stresses in our lives, the people closest to us and our surroundings- all impact our potential.  And, lastly- the fact that potential energy is measured in joules- just makes my soul smile.  Of course it would be joules- because our potential energy/potential as human beings is shiny and sparkly and hidden in the depths of our being- just waiting to be mined, released into the burst of kinetic energy that will allow us to do something "useful."

Is this not the battle cry of the middle aged house wife?  We all have so much potential, so much shiny, sparkliness within us.  For sure- raising a healthy and happy family and creating decent, responsible, loving men out of my sweet boys- IS doing something useful!!  I do not doubt this for a moment.  My work as a speech therapist IS useful and helpful to many.  But, I am referring to doing something useful for me (of course, if it happens to benefit the universe in some way I am totally cool with that too).

This is my new wish- to be able to adjust my focus, realign the forces that impact my potential (increase my joules!) and do something useful!!!!  Who's with me?????

today I choose...

                                                                                                                                                                              image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2012