fears...

I read something recently that said that fear is what keeps us from moving forward; fear is what gets in the way of meeting our goals and realizing our dreams; fear is the key difference between people we admire and ourselves.  This could not be more true of myself.

So, this got me thinking about fear, about how we all seem to come hardwired with different types of fears and how these are impacted by our experiences.   To me, it seems that there are really four broad categories that our individual fears can fall into: Irrational fears, Rational fears, Damaging fears and fears with Benefits (not those kind of benefits, but maybe I got your attention?)

Irrational fears, are somewhat ridiculous anxieties that we know are ridiculous, but yet no amount of logical reasoning can shake them, something like: there's a cyclopian ghost troll living in a portal deep within my closet that feasts on human blood at night (not sure cyclopian is a real word, but it should be!).  Rational fears, are less specific to an individual- more archetypal, if you will, things like: what would I do if something happened to my family;  how would I survive if I lost my job; is this lump cancerous?  Things that we are afraid of because they may cause pain or suffering to us or someone we care about.

   image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2013

Both Damaging fears and fears with Benefits, are interesting because they can overlap with the two categories already mentioned.  Damaging fears are those that keep us from things, keep us from relationships, keep us from realizing our full potential.  These are anxieties like: I'm not good enough, what if I fail, what if I make a fool of myself, what if he doesn't love me?  The main differences between damaging fears and fears with benefits are motivation and mindset.  I envision these categories as 2 different sides of one coin.  They can be basically the same fear, just perceived differently, for example: "What if I'm not cut out to be a good enough mother?" this could be quite depressing and damaging to a new mom's psyche and something that could actually keep her from bonding with her young child- OR- it could be a fear that motivates her to seek out resources and support, thus actually making her a more confident mom.  Another example could be, "What will I do if I lose my job?" again, this is a dark thought that could keep a major bread winner feeling stuck and unfulfilled- OR- it could motivate her or him to create backup plans and increase their networking activities or continue their education to ensure their job security.

So what's the magic incantation that can turn a damaging fear into a fear with benefits?  I certainly am no expert at this and wouldn't for a moment claim to be, but I see this everyday with my patients.  those patients who are able to move forward, no matter what their diagnosis and/or prognosis, are the patients who say "This sucks!  Now, what's the plan?"  There's no magic really, just a different mindset.  I will not give up, I will name my fears only so that I may banish them or know them as I slay them (a bit dramatic, but then again we have established that this is who I am, I make no apologies).

How does one become a slayer of damaging fears?  What makes one person sink and the other swim?  Realistically, it's not just one trait or characteristic and I doubt highly that some people are jut "born that way."  Most likely it is a combination of many factors including different levels of neurotransmitters in the brain, influential parenting experiences, some vicarious learning and who knows what else that come together, like an alchemists concoction, to create a life force that just won't be extinguished. 

This is my wish today, to become a slayer of damaging fears- not just for me- but as an example for my children. 

                                                                       my boys