the middle...

Anyone my age or older can not forget, "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia.." the iconic rant of the quintessential middle child, Jan Brady.  We all felt her angst not being the oldest and not being the youngest- just stuck in the middle.  Like the Stealers Wheel song says "Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am stuck in the middle with you."  Even living in Middle America can be a challenge where we get to enjoy snow storms, tornadoes, droughts and about 12 nice days out of 365.

Take home message is: being in the middle stinks!!

One of my favorite quotes is: "At the moment of commitment the entire universe conspires to assist you."  So this is all fine and good if you CAN commit, but if you are stuck in the quagmire of wishy-washy-ness you might as well hang it up, because the entire universe will at best ignore you and at worst- is out to get you!!!

My point in all this...being "in between" is a rough place to be.  I always feel like if I can wrap my head around things and come up with a plan, I'm good..being in transition or not knowing where I stand on something can be, well a little fearful.  Even just being in the middle of two different feelings/emotions.  For example, when I hear the sump pump in my midwestern basement start working in the middle of June during the early summer rain storms I feel equal parts relief, "Yes my sump pump is working!!" and anxiety, "Oh crap my sump pump has to work because there's so much torrential water raining down us, what if it breaks!!"

Relief and anxiety, like two ugly step sisters, holding hands, skipping along and tormenting me.  I am relieved that my boys are getting older and more independent, I am anxious that they will begin to experience the world without me, without my watchful eye.

I am relieved that I am able to work part time, but always anxious that it's not enough and that I am somehow missing my purpose.  Relieved that I have made it this far in my life, being relatively healthy..anxious that something unpleasant is lurking around the corner.

I totally get the importance of living in the moment (insert me whining "but it's so hard!")  If I can live purely in each moment that comes my way, and appreciate it at it's most base level with limited interpretation (key for me)- I will no longer find myself in the middle...just the IS.

So, I guess this is my next wish, to be able to chase away the middle, to not be stymied by the anxiety of "what will be" or to stumble backwards over the "what was" and to just embrace the "is"...
                                                                  image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2013