can something secondary be of primary importance?

I really believe that every person we meet in this world is a teacher.  Everyone has something to offer us, a new perspective, wisdom from unique experiences.   We've all had situations where we have a strong reaction to a new person- good or bad.  There could be many explanations for this (all good topics for later discussions) and one could be that they have something to impart to us, something we need for our journey, something we have no idea, in fact, how needed it is!

Generally, when my encounters are emotional in a positive way, I am able to extract the key truth that was intend for me pretty quickly and obviously.  Although, I rarely feel it in the moment, when something negative happens between me and another humanoid- eventually (may be minutes, could be years later) I am able to gain great insight.  It seems to me, that these negative moments tend to leave more of a trace, seem to dig a deeper groove in my soul from which wisdom grows.

One type of negative encounter could be when there is anger present between two people.   Not a fun topic, I know.  Unfortunately, not something foreign to me.  Anger can rear it's gnarly, stinky self for any number of reasons.  A teenager once told me that "anger is a secondary emotion."  I remember this years later and think about it almost every time I blow up at my son or my husband or myself.  I think it stuck with me, because I had never thought about it that way before.

Anger is never primary, there is always something else lurking behind it.  So, right about now you're trying to imagine a situation that would really tick you off and would prove that anger can be primary.  I know, because I tried, a lot, to debunk this- and I couldn't! 

   image © held by AnnMarie Gitchell, 2011

Fear is a common emotional "lurker."  Fear of failure, fear of change, fear of loss, fear of most things can cause us to be angry.  So, now you might be asking yourself, "So what?"  Well, I guess my point in discussing it is that we can never really change someone else's behavior, but we can change our own through understanding.  Understanding is the key to empathy which opens the door to tolerance.  If we can attempt to understand what lies behind someone's anger (or our own) maybe, just maybe, we can begin to tolerate their perspective and perhaps healing can happen and maybe we can all become a little wiser?!

I wish to be able to see past other's anger and to decipher my own- so that I may be a small part in the healing process.  I always tell my kids to be part of the solution, not the problem- I wish to live this!!