power...

For sure, what you're thinking right now is "I wish I could express my own personal power in a meaningful mathematical expression, because then I could figure out just where I was lacking and figure out a simple way to increase my power!"  Right, I mean isn't this high on your to do list today?  Of course, I'm kidding.  I realize this is a bit of a bizarre approach to trying to figure out what my next step is in life, but this is how my brain works : )

Ok, so once again, I am clearly not afraid to let my nerdiness show a little (or a lot).  So, where do we start?  First of all, we can't call it "personal power" because the variable abbreviation would be "PP" and that's just wrong!  I think instead we'll use "intrinsic power," or "IP"

Now we need to label our other variables:
IP = intrinsic power
V = value (where v = er + ir )
er = extrinsic rewards
ir = intrinsic rewards "that good vibe feeling after a job well done"
sd = self doubt (where sd = f *1)  where 1 is a constant and stands for any previous failure experience
f = fear (scale from 1-10)
ex = experience (positive or negative depending on where it is in the equation)
C = confidence (where c = v * ex)

So, here's what I have come up with, it may need a little tweaking, but here goes: Intrinsic Power comes from our concept of self worth or value (which is determined by adding up the number of extrinsic and intrinsic rewards) multiplied by the number of times we feel valued (or experience) divided by our feelings of self doubt (which comes from multiplying how fearful we are *1.

The long version                                               The simplified version
IP = (er + ir) ex                                                 IP = C
            f * 1                                                             sd

Now, this represents the ideal.  A situation where we are kind to ourselves and multiply our level of fear for a new endeavor by the number 1 instead of using the number of times we have failed or perceived we failed in the past (perceived failure is a topic for a whole other day).  This way, we are minimizing the negative impact of failure on our general well being.  I think this is the ideal, because I do believe that we learn more from our mistakes than when we get things right.  In reality, however, I think many of us would have an equation that is heavily weighted in the negative more like:

IP =  er + ir + ex
           f * ex


let's see what happens if we use these 2 different equations to calculate my intrinsic power when it comes to cooking a dinner that everyone will eat at my house for a given month:

Nice version:                                                       Not so nice version:
IP = (3 + 1)15 = 60 = 12                                     IP = 3 + 1 + 15 = 19 = .25333

         5 * 1            5                                                      5 * 15                            

So, you can see being kind to yourself and using 1 instead of the actual number of times you feel you failed ( in the denominator) makes a big difference.  Likewise, multiplying (in the numerator) the number of positive experiences instead of just adding- makes a big difference too!  I would take an IP of 12 any day over .25333- well you get the idea.

The take home message for myself is that I need to do everything in my power (pun intended) to increase my confidence in an area and decrease my self doubt.  No matter how big my confidence may be, as my self doubt increases, my IP decreases.  Simple, right?  Makes sense?  Kinda kooky?

I guess it's just my weird way of making sense of something I don't always get.  Just a way to attempt to understand the chaos of the human experience through a constant like math.  Just ask George and Calliope, they totally get this!!

       

giving..

Some people are awesome at giving gifts.  They somehow manage to take all they know about you and magically determine and seem to easily find the most perfect, "holy crap I didn't even know I wanted this and now I realize how much I can't live without it," kind of gift. 

My mother is one of these people, I am not.  I will labor over trying to figure out the best little trinket or gadget for someone and inevitably end up falling short.  Truly, I have learned that this gift giving gene must skip a generation because my children are great gift givers too.  UGH!!

My oldest son will remember obscure references to a wanted item that a family member mentioned years ago and my youngest son will create something that is so personal and touching that he         always wins big points too.

So, of course, I got to thinking about types of gifts.  Yes, there are amazing and awesome things that people can buy for you- like the amazing and awesome computer my family all chipped in to buy for my fortieth birthday!  And, don't get me wrong, these things are all appreciated and utilized and adored, but really there a so many other kinds of amazing and awesome gifts too.  The homemade cards, art pieces, poems and sweet notes my children make for us, the times my husband anticipates my needs and    helps out in whatever way he can, the countless comforting hugs and kind words that my children and my family bestow upon me at just the right moment, a smile from a stranger, a friend listening to my rants- these are just a small list of some of the other kinds of amazing and awesome gifts I receive on an almost daily basis. (And, yes, I consider myself quite blessed!)

But, there is one more kind of gift.  One at which I am still practicing and honing my skills.  One that I hope my children feel now and may understand later.  I call them silent gifts.  These are the gifts that your receiver doesn't even realize they've been given.  What?  If the person receiving the gift isn't aware of it, then how can it be a gift- by definition?  So, I looked up the definition of gift:

"something voluntarily transferred by one person to another without compensation."  

Sure, it makes sense that recognition or awareness of a gift is fundamental to the whole gift giving processes- but in fact it's not!  The only caveat is that it must be without compensation.  So, every time you hold your tongue with your teenager, or every time you lovingly repeat the same information to your toddler (for the 50th time) and every time you complete menial tasks for the sake of your family (like grocery shopping- oh how I hate grocery shopping!!)  and every time you make someone else's life a little brighter, a little easier- especially if they don't realize what you've done or what you haven't done (like picking your battles with your husband) this is a silent gift.  

I know damn well that I will continue to struggle with picking out the obligatory material gifts for my
friends and family (sorry guys if you're reading this!)- but starting today- I wish to increase exponentially the amount of silent gifts that I pass along their way as well and maybe it will all  cancel out : )